Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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