So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
