my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
