If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
