I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
