Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Drunk is not a location!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
