the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
