I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
There's even glitter on my cock...
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