my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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