I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
