he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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