So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize