Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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