there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
