So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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