How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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