she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize