Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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