I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Congratulations! We have a period
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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