My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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