Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
