i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
