why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
