apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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