Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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