guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Randomize