Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
