When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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