she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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