how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
