We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
