The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
