Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
