i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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