I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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