a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
