I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
