last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
