Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize