i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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