she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
