I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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