So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
She has the best kind of daddy issues
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
