my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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