No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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