you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize