Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
