It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
