I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
i believe in u and ur pee
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
