Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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