he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
