Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
