I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
