I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
