I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
