You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Randomize
