this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
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