I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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