remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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