I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
