I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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