i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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