just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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